There are stories about finding “the one”, and everything falls into place. I heard those stories but I never believed them. I asked myself, “How can one person have only one person who would complete them in their entire lifetime? So if by chance, you miss the opportunity to find that person you won’t fall in love with anybody else? Or you won’t find someone else to love you ever?” These questions filled my head with doubts about finding the existence of my one true love.
I held my heart open, ready to love and accept love from whoever was ready for me. I was convinced that there were many opportunities out there for me. Then I met Helena in 2013 at the university. The moment I saw her, I felt in my heart that she was the one. I didn’t rush to express my interest in her at once. We were friends for a year.
The more I got to know her, the deeper I fell in love with her. She was amazing. So I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend, and she gladly said yes. I was so happy to be with her. Every good thing there is to enjoy about relationships, we enjoyed it.
Our relationship had no drama. Nobody picked fights or started fights. Nobody cheated on anyone. I didn’t play games. We were real with each other. I knew what she wanted from me, just as she knew what I wanted from her. We wore our hearts on our sleeves but we never feared any judgments. We had it good.
A year and a half into the relationship, I started getting bored. She didn’t do anything differently. She was still the woman I fell in love with. I just started falling out of love with her. I tried. Oh, I tried so hard to bring back the fire but it just kept quenching. Nothing I tried worked.
Although the love was gone, I was determined to keep the relationship going. I kept doing all the things I used to do for her, but I struggled to keep it going. In July 2016, I finally gathered the courage to walk away from the relationship. She was hurt but I felt it was the right thing to do. “You deserve someone who will do right by you,” I told her. That was what I said to console myself. I convinced myself that she would meet someone who would love her and treat her better. I was sure that I too would meet someone else and try again at this love thing.
It’s been years since I left her, and Helena has moved on. She is happily married and living her life. I have also tried to move on but it’s been hard. That’s even putting it lightly. The right words are, it’s been impossible.
I haven’t been able to have any meaningful relationships since 2016. Yes, I have been single all this while. Every woman I have met hasn’t tickled my fancy. No matter how lovely and beautiful a woman is, I have no interest in her. Even if she goes above and beyond to express her love for me, I still don’t feel anything.
This was a problem I was working through until I went through a dark episode in 2019. I was falsely accused of something I didn’t do. Later, the truth came out and I was vindicated. But my reputation was already damaged at this point. I was so battered that I lost interest in everything that once brought me joy. I wasn’t even interested in living. It’s just by God’s grace that I am still here and still have my sanity intact.
I am thirty-six, but I’m gradually losing interest in love and relationships. I sometimes wonder if everything is alright with me. I am a teacher in one of the secondary schools in the country. I am not wealthy but I am comfortable. I am also a devout Christian so I believe in marriage. I am good-looking enough to attract a woman. All I have to do is keep my heart open to welcome love, but that is my problem.
My heart is growing colder by the minute. I meet women and convince myself that I can love them or start something with them, but the moment I start talking to them, I lose interest. Everyone in my life is concerned about me. My parents and other members of my family have tried to set me up but it didn’t work. Even my friends have tried to match me with single women they are sure would be good for me. But none of those connections went beyond the talking stage.
I have gone before God before in prayer. I have cried to him and fasted. I have sown seeds in hopes of getting a woman to settle down with. However, all these acts of faith have not yielded any results. I am still single as the day I was born. I am here because I am beginning to wonder if I have a psychological problem. Is it possible that I am looking for help in the wrong places? What do I do? How do I overcome this inconquerable mountain in my life? I want to love. I want to allow myself to be loved. Most importantly, I don’t want to journey through life alone anymore.
—Apollo
