When I told him we should buy a bed after we got married, he refused. So our mattress was on the floor the first few months of our marriage. We didn’t have any furniture in our apartment. That was how he wanted it to be. When I complained, he said he didn’t see the point in spending money unnecessarily.
I am the only girl among my siblings so my parents always encouraged me to be financially independent. At the university, they used to give me more money than they gave my brothers. They said I was a girl so I had more needs. They also said, “We don’t want you to go out there and depend on a man for money.”
So I never became a financial burden to any of the men I ever dated. I was the one who even ended up supporting them with money.
I save all the time so there was never a time when I was broke. I also don’t like taking loans or buying things on credit. If I want something badly and cannot afford it immediately, I would deny myself of certain comforts just so I could get the money.
Because I have always taken care of my own needs, I always prioritized love over money. At the time I met my husband, he had just started working. I on the other hand had been working for two years in the government institution. I didn’t care that I had more money than he did. I never rubbed it in his face either.
After we got married, I was the one taking care of the home. Everything we needed, I bought it. He didn’t give me pocket money, and I also didn’t ask him for it. I figured we were a partnership, so everything I did was for us and not just me.
Our problems only started rearing their heads when I realized that he discouraged me from everything I wanted to do that involved. For instance, when he refused to allow us to buy any furniture for our apartment. I was patient with him until I got tired and went out to buy a bed. He was not at home when I brought it. And when he came in and saw it too, he didn’t say anything. I also didn’t bring it up so we both pretended as if we couldn’t see the bed.
After a while, I was transferred to a certain district to work. Transportation over there was difficult to come by so I had to walk for forty-five minutes to get to work, and walk the same distance back home. It was very stressful.
I discussed with my husband, “Honey, we need a car. It will make it easier for me to get to work considering the distance I have to cover on foot every working day. He didn’t even pretend to think about it first. There and then, he told me; “I don’t think it is necessary for us to buy a car. Just manage like everyone else who cannot afford to buy does.” I was the one feeling the heat so I went ahead to buy the car.
You would be surprised to know that he drives the car more than I do. It also came in handy when we started having babies. If I had listened to him, I would have suffered a lot. His attitude toward money was so bad that I became used to doing things on my own. I stopped discussing my plans with him, lest he discourage me from pursuing them.
After we started we started having kids I sat him down and told him, “We need to do something to secure our children’s future. We should do that by building something they can inherit later in life. Let’s start by buying a piece of land.” The moment I mentioned the word, “buy,” the color of his face changed. I could clearly tell that he was not happy with my suggestion.
Again, he could have easily said, “Let me think about it and get back to me.” He didn’t do that. All he said was, “We are not ready to buy land yet.” I knew he was saying that because he didn’t want to spend money so I didn’t argue with him or try to persuade him. I simply gave him the money for the land and asked him to acquire it. He had the money now. All that was left for him to do was to go and look at a few locations and get us a good deal. Nonetheless, this too became a problem.
Every time I asked about the progress of the acquisition, he would give me an excuse as to why he couldn’t get it done. Every day came with a freshly baked excuse. This was something that mattered to me so I also didn’t relent. I kept putting pressure on him until he eventually bought the land.
I wanted to secure our future before our children grow up so I started putting up the building little by little. He supported me when he wanted to, but I didn’t rely on him to do much, because I knew he didn’t have money. By the time the building was complete, I contributed 70% of the cost.
One day we were having a heated argument about money. Out of anger, I asked him angrily, “How much did you even contribute to our building? Tell me the amount, so that I will buy you out.” This statement has stuck with him to date. It doesn’t matter that I regretted saying it the moment they left my mouth. Every time I remember it, I cringe. The least chance I get, I tell him, “I am sorry for what I said. I know it is no excuse but I didn’t mean it. It was my anger that drove me to say those things.” He tells me he has forgiven me but I can tell from his actions that he is holding on to a grudge.
Now, this is why I am sharing our story. By God’s grace, things have turned around for him. He is doing very well financially. He has set up his own business and it is doing well. Our building too is complete. It is a four-bedroom house while we currently live in a two-bedroom house. We are a family of five so we are all cramped up. Our rent is about to expire so I thought we would be moving into our house soon. But guess what? He says no.
I was confused, considering that he paid a lot of money recently to have electricity connected to the house. I went through his things looking for answers and found that he had acquired a piece of land in his name only. This is a concern to me because the land I paid for is in our children’s name.
I was working up the nerves to confront him until he came to tell me about the land himself. He said, “I want to put up a building as quickly as possible so that we can move into that one instead.”
I feel angry and betrayed, especially when I think of all the sacrifices I have had to make to complete the building we already have. I know he is doing this because I contributed more to the building than he did. I believe he wants to prove to me that he is also a man who can take care of his family, but is that the best way to go about it? Even if he wants to seek revenge for that statement I made, isn’t this too harsh a thing to do? How many times must I apologize for my wrong before I earn his forgiveness?
At this point, I am thinking of moving into the building with my children so that he would also move into his own when he is done. The alternative is to sell the house and use the money to build something in my hometown. Whatever happens, I know it will not end well for my marriage. I just need to share this burden in my heart.
